July 7th, 2009 § 5 Comments
Do you like dressing up in outlandish costumes? (Who doesn’t?) Do you like cats? (YES) Have you always wanted to live in a cave? (Erm…)
This Could Be Your Perfect Job
Wookey Hole near the city of Bath are looking for a resident witch to recreate the magical atmosphere of times gone by. Although slightly draughty, I imagine this unique job opportunity will attract a lot of applicants. Unfortunately I’m a novice in the ways of spell-casting (although I do own a copy of Madame Fabia’s The Book Of Fortune Telling), otherwise I’d be grabbing my pointy hat and getting the next train south…
There are a lot of disgruntled witches living around the country. Wearing pointy black hats and black hessian drapes they’re reduced to casting spells whilst sitting on a sofa in front of a 38” flat-screen TV in a suburban semi, using own-brand potion ingredients sourced from the local Sainsburys. Not the des res, executive, no mod-cons, wind-swept blasted heath of their dreams.
For one lucky witch though, these ancient yearnings could soon be fulfilled. There’s a unique job on offer at Wookey Hole in Somerset. It’s a job which comes with witch-perfect live-in accommodation in a spacious cave, and a 50K salary. £50,000. Enough to buy designer-label rags, frogs from Fortnum and Mason’s and a Le Creuset cooking pot.
Wookey Hole wants the appointee to go about her everyday business as a hag, so that people passing through the caves can get a sense of what the place was like in the Dark Ages. This was when an old woman lived in the caves with some goats and a dog, causing a variety of social ills including crop failures and disease. She also turned the local milk rancid.
Eventually, an Abbot called Father Bernard was summoned from Glastonbury. Armed with a bible and a candle, he entered the cave, spotted the witch and tried to reason with her. She started screaming and casting curses, and ran off into the depths of the cavern. His efforts at conflict resolution through dialogue exhausted, Father Bernard scooped up some water from the cave, blessed it, and then threw it at the witch who turned to stone. And there she stands to this day.
So the job is straightforward: live in the cave, be a witch, and do the things witches do. Wookey Hole is advertising nationally and hopes to attract a strong field of candidates, with the £50K salary serving as a major incentive. Interviews for the post, which will involve on-site assessment incorporating a range or standard tasks, will take place on Tuesday 28th July at 11am. Given the nature of the role, Wookey Hole has decided to run the process on an “open audition” basis. Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements. A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.
Reluctantly, Wookey Hole is allowing BOTH men and women to apply. A common misconception is that male witches are “warlocks”. Wrong. Male witches are witches. According to specialists in magic lore “warlock” is just an insult. Wookey Hole HR has accordingly been advised that under sexual discrimination law, unless it can provide documentary proof that the original witch was female (which would allow them to advertise for women only according to the exclusion to Employment and Training Law No.1661 (2003), pt.II, para 7, clause (a) – no, honestly), it can’t issue a gender-specific JD. Since Wookey Hole can’t furnish the required, legally binding proof, it has had to accept that the post might eventually be awarded to a man.
The authorities hope that Wookey Hole will employ a trans-gender witch, preferably recruited via a youth training initiative.
For further information please phone Wookey Hole 01749 672243 or email firstname.lastname@example.org